Online Dating Tips

The Gay Challenge: Gays and Lesbians are presented with a unique challenge not faced by straights.  The pool of potential mates is less than 10% of the total pool while straights have a chance at 90%. So a gay or lesbian must find a potential partner in a much smaller pool.  Subtract from that the number you are not sexually compatible with, the ones who simply irritate and annoy you, the ones who are already in a relationship, the ones not in the age group you are seeking and the closet cases, and you have a greatly reduced pool. Then, there is the problem of mutuality.  Not only must he or she be the one for you but you must be the one for them. For most gays or lesbians, the actual potential partners are probably less than one in every 100 of the LGBT population. Finding that one in 100 can be a daunting task. But, the fact is that if the prospects are one in 100, then sorting through 500 profiles should produce 5 good prospects to choose from.

Cafe Q presents you with a unique opportunity and a multitude of features to find your Mr. or Miss Right. You can  view the  profiles and photos of many people, discover  their personal traits and interests, participate with them in forums and groups,  read their blogs and their posts on forums and look at their photo albums. And you can send them flirts and messages and  meet personally  at group  events or set up a date. No where else do you have such a range of opportunities in a single place to find the partner of your dreams. As some would say, "It is totally awesome!"  Here are some tips that might help you get started on the road to romance.

1. Present yourself well:  First impressions last. But that impression must be of the real you because eventually you will meet in person and the truth will come out. So here are some general tips for presenting yourself:

• Use a recent face pic and put some additional recent pics in your gallery that show your personality and interests.  A picture of you snuggling your dog and maybe playing the piano and jogging will give a good picture of who you are -- if that is you.
  
• Give a well-rounded description of your personality and interests in your profile.  Describe your general lifestyle and approach to life.  Tell about your interests, using some specific details.  Admit your faults but put them in their best light. E.g. "I am creative enough that I don't have to be neat. So you will often find my clothes strewn about as I go about the more important task of writing the world's next great lesbian romance."
• Create a photo album that shows off your personality and interests. A few pictures of you playing baseball, standing beside your Harley-Davidson and cooking over a campfire with Mt. Shasta in the background will tell people a lot more about you than words like, "enjoy outdoor activities."
  
• Join groups that you are genuinely interested in  and feel you can contribute to. By being active in a group, you identify your interests, can exchange messages with people in the group's forum and meet them personally at group activities. And people with similar interests can easily  find you. Profile pics of the members of each group are displayed on the group page and the groups each member belongs to are displayed on the members profile.
  
• Post replies to messages in the main forum.  Find some topics on which you have something interesting to say. Posting a well thought-out reply can get the attention of someone who is also interested in that topic.  Each reply will link to your profile.  But beware of posting redundant remarks like, "I agree." You will just come across as a chatter-box.  If you just want to chit-chat, post in the "Hello World" Forum.
  
• Attend events on the Cafe Q Calendar that interest you. This gives you more personal exposure in the community. You can look at the RSVPs to some events (all will not have RSVPs) and find out who is attending or who might attend. So you can find out if the person you have your sights on is attending.
  
• Get your profile, blog, photo album or forum posts featured: We feature the best profiles, blogs, photo albums and forum posts. So if your postings are noteworthy because of their excellence or interesting content, we will feature them and bring you to the attention of other members. And because we only feature the best, you will come across as the best. Also, posting material on your blog or in your photo album that is of interest to others can result in comments and ratings by others. The more persons who visit your blog or photo album the more likely it is to float to the top when people sort by "top rated" or "most viewed."
  

2. Search for the right person:  We are  first attracted to a person by their appearance. But appearances can divert our attention from a personality or lifestyle that just does not click with us.  In the final analysis, factors other than appearance are very important in determining whether two people click.  Also, people often come across in real life a lot differently than we expect from their picture. Do not get hung up looking for persons who share a lot of your own interests. Look first for "deal breakers" -- those traits that you do not like or that irritate you.  If he likes rap and you hate it, no matter how physically attractive he is, you probably will not get along. Also look for shared values. Values are the things we consider important like achievement, healthy living habits, candor, humility, etc. Generally, a persons values are not specifically stated in his/her profile but implied by their tone and the general subject matter of their post. Keep in mind that opposites attract and that you will probably be more attracted to a person who has interests that complement yours rather than being the same.  For instance, he might have a passion for travel and you may have a passion for photography.  The two go together.  Try looking for potential partners in groups that share your interests or groups that have interests that are complementary to your own.

3.  Try to check the person out or meet them at a group meeting or event.  Meeting a person at a public event where there are others, is a good way to become acquainted with them.  You can avoid the anxiety and fear that a first date often has.  Personal observation of a person in a public setting can often explode the idealistic image we form of the person from their picture. By the same token, seeing a person in a public setting can greatly improve our image of them.  A social gathering is a great opportunity to introduce yourself and chat with the person. Because it is not a "date" it does not have all the baggage that a date would carry with it.

4.  If you can't check the person out at an event, send them a flirt. A flirt is a simple  greeting or expression of admiration put in the comments section of their profile. It can range from a simple "Hi"  or "Hugs" to a compliment like, "I like your pictures" or even something bolder like, "That hair really turns me on."  Often comments on social networking sites are ambiguous.  It is often difficult to tell if the person  is simply complimenting you or flirting with you. In many cases they are calling your attention to them with the hopes that you will be attracted and want to correspond or meet.

If you send someone a flirt and they do not send back a comment or send just a short one like,"Thanks," you know they are not interested.   But if they respond with something like, "Thanks, I was hoping you would like the pictures," you know they have you in their sights. You can then ask them to be your friend and start exchanging private messages.  If you are on the receiving end of a flirt and you think there is some potential for a relationship, you can ask the sender to be your friend and start exchanging messages. Do not be afraid of rejection or being thought a fool.  Remember, "Fortune favors the bold."

5.  Get discovered by a non-member of your dreams. Many people will not want to post a profile or picture on this site because they are not completely out to their family, friends or employers or they may be in the military. However, they will be using the site to find events where they can meet others and  may participate in group activities to find partners. They will use many of the techniques you do -- browsing profiles, reading posts and attending meetings of groups and general events. Some of these people may very well get you in their sights and introduce themselves when you least expect it. So always be conscious that everything you do and post on this site is being observed by others who may be checking you out. Having a good profile on this site and a good photo album, as well as a penchant for participation in groups and forums, in many respects, makes you a celebrity.  You can have many admirers you never know about and may meet quite unexpectedly. Any one of them could be Mr. or Miss Right.

Miscellaneous Quick Tips

• When looking for romance, contact only people who have expressed an interest in your type. If someone says they are looking only for HWP, clean-shaven people under 30 and you are 46, have a beard and are 30 pounds overweight, you are out of the running. They are not rude for not responding to your flirt. You are unrealistic for sending it. If you want to send them a flirt, it should say "sigh!"
• Be patient. It takes time to meet the right person. At the same time, cover the field with probes. The person is not necessarily going to find you.
  
• Always respect the other person's  privacy. Do not push them out of their comfort zone with your questions.
• But, beware of persons who are too private. When a person doesn't want to talk about his education or job, he may have neither. If he doesn't want to discuss his living arrangements, he may be married to a woman or sneaking out on his partner.
• Do not give out your phone number or home address to strangers or someone you have just met. There are some people who are overly dependent and will become a nuisance.  We call them "Klingons."  You don't want to have to end up getting a restraining order to keep them away..
  
• If you are not interested in a person, let them know up front in a courteous way. You can ignore a flirt or send a simple "thanks for the compliment." But do not lead them on if you are not really interested.
  
• If it appears that a person is not interested in you (fails to respond, just gives you perfunctory answers, etc.) back off and look elsewhere.  Do not stalk or harass them.
• If a person is messaging you after you have expressed your disinterest, ask them politely to stop.  If they don't, block their messages.
  
• If you have exchanged a couple of messages and decide the person is not for you, tell them it was nice getting to know more about them but you don't think you would be a good fit and don't want them to have any false expectations.
  
• If a person contacts you to sell you something or promote his business, report it to the webmaster. If a professional person (lawyer, accountant, etc.) wants to strike up an unlikely friendship and moves a little too quickly to tell you about all the advantages of an insurance policy, investments, a will, etc., he is probably just looking for customers for his professional services.