Serenity & Leather: Courage To Progress

A while ago, it seems, I found myself questioning my actions before acting. Mapping out almost every possible outcome like a "Create Your Own Adventure" novel. Most of it was due to the uncertainty of myself, my inner being, a deep-rooted insecurity that seemed to blossom its thorny reaches at every turn. There was also a fear of what others would think, from what they'd see, hear. And rumors, ah, the rumors.
Turned out I wasn't as intriguing as I thought due to my non-lasting impressions on any social situation. "Oh, I didn't know you were there?" or "You're weird." This would go from high school to the military where I excelled at my job but drastically lacked anything like social graces outside of the workplace. Give me a mission and I'll work my brain to the cells to get it done but put me in a social setting and I'd be searching for a drink, a corner and wait for a good song to dance by myself to (to this day, when I think of that, the song "Into The Groove" by Madonna comes to mind).

Looking back as I'm doing now with recovery time and a growing involvement in the world this time has opened my eyes to my life. A retrospect of fear and crushing anxiety.

Before I got involved in the leather community, I held onto my desire to dip my toe into it for fear of being ridiculed and, to a certain degree, being sought out and punished for expressing myself. Like many, it seems, I was discontent with sitting back, reading and gazing at Leatherfolk living out their desires and dreams. It wasn't until I started exploring that this sense of discontent began to lift.

Recovery has been teaching me to live life in the moment, to not fear the future and to be honest, not only in social settings but in EVERYTHING. Faith is also an attribute I've been developing. And trust.

In my personal makeup, it augments ALL the aspects of Leather spirituality.

How else can you put yourself in someone else's hands in a scene if you do not trust them, if you do not have faith that the standards of SSC are abided? And faith. I've got faith that Leatherfolk will stand by me. It takes time as one does not just step on the scene and begin professing themselves grand poobah of Leatherdom. Instant Sirs and Masters do not an internet profile with a suggestive moniker make. As in recovery, we all must start somewhere and it takes effort to get where we want to be. More than that, to feel comfortable to our very cores that the path we've chosen and have been lead on are the best thing for us.

Making my bootfalls on the Leather path has just begun over the past year or so. In that time, I've learned to appreciate myself on a level where I can go on with a minimal amount of fear and anxiety, at least on outward appearances.

The first time I wore my leathers was in San Francisco. I could do so, however, with a high amount of confidence because (1) knowing anyone was minimal at that point; (2) I was among a group of leather-friendly people and; (3) it was San Francisco. The release I felt was amazing. I got compliments on my chaps and a few appreciative glances from the leather contingent (Yelling out my first "Woof!" was part of it.). Coupled with a public flogging and whipping, I was about on fire with great feelings. It took a lot of moxie on my part to get up the courage to muscle past the curious onlookers to volunteer my body for such a demonstration. It was worth it. With my back tingling and my leathers hugging me, it was like Divinities blessed me this rite. Before recovery, I wouldn't have been able to do this. And I took it to the next level.

Coming out in Sacramento meant risking overheat from the September temperatures and nearly 20 minutes sitting in my truck wondering if I was doing the right thing dressing in my leathers to meet my guy at the local leathercorps' booth. There was a full five-minute timeframe where I proceeded to talk myself out of stepping out: citing that I hardly saw Leatherfolk at any local festivals, the stars were just not in the right alignment, I left the hair dryer plugged in, etc. "Screw it, you're part of the Leather community now, jackass, now get a pair and get your butt outta this truck and give nary a crap about what anyone thinks. I didn't get dressed up for nothing and I'm sure as hell not going to let it go to waste." That's what the voice said to me which I am becoming more sure was the Divine Force talking. After YEARS of being in the background, it seemed as if it took on the role of Sir. With that, I stepped out and walked to the gate.

No one laughed, no one pointed and screamed, "OMG! What the HELL is THAT?!!" I paid the admission and found my Dude, feeling nervous and relieved. Halfway through the crowd, my tension eased. I was representing, yo. Sir became Daddy as the voice whispered, "It's all good, boy. Take a breath and relax."

That was less than a year ago.

Since then, I've relocated (after talking about it for TOO LONG) to greener pastures, attended Gear Nights and will be learning the art of flogging. Funny how that goes. I couldn't have done it without recovery and self-realization as a Leatherman. To me, they are essential parts, equally important to maintaining a sense of sanity and equilibrium.

Taking it further, I may soon be attending school and getting a degree. Something I've been talking/thinking/b-s-ing about for too long, as well. That combined with the love and encouragement of my Divine Sir/Daddy and of those around me, I know that this path will only get better, hotter and boundary-breaking in many tantalizing ways.

Now, excuse me while I finish my admission forms and treat my newly-acquired flogger.