Serenity & Leather: Fitting, Beginning

For most of my life, I've often felt out-of-place either by my own doing (willingly, at times) or just by simple circumstance. How I came across the leather path is something I've not pondered on much. Mostly because the dissection and analysis take the fun out of the whole thing. What matters now is feeling connected to the leather community and I am taking it slow.

Speaking from my own experience, one cannot delve wholly into the leather community without first knowing oneself. To me, leather is more than a thing, it's a mindset and a philosophy. Before I can go further, let me go back to the beginning when I first starting taking those booted steps forward.

The process of self-discovery really began when I entered recovery. Clearing the toxicity of alcohol from my system and emptying out my self-destructive closets little by little helped tremendously. At first, the curiosity of being shrouded in leather was the thing, it protected and warmed. The pleasure derived from pain is something resulting from an entirely seperate realm of the spectrum (BDSM). Leather, to me, is its own place.

As recovery progressed, so came a clarity and with that clarity came the knowledge of what I wanted and what I needed: balance, equilibrium. I found that within the leather community in the terms of the power exchange. By channeling the dominant and submissive, I was able to find a place for all my inner workings and to achieve some sense of order. Finding my place within the spectrum of the two has been an ongoing process as I find myself easing into the niche of a protector. A friend once told me that she felt safe having a leather guy around. That resonated with me. The difficult thing is protecting even when I'm not in my leathers, that it must stay with me no matter what. And that, to me, is the disciplining of the mind to embrace the leather mindset.

As a protector, it is difficult to try not to slip into co-dependency. Coupled with character defects such as extreme empathy, it can be a trap as I could at any time slip from protector to overbearing mother hen. My ability to feel along with others and take their burdens onto myself has been something I've been dealing with with each passing day. Learning what I can and cannot change has been a daunting task at best. If I could help the entire world, I probably would to the death. The knowing that there is so much I don't know about so many things and that there are many more out there that will be able to handle certain aspects of conflict more appropriate than I would.

Those fittings are much too large for this young pup to take on. As a result, I handle what I know I can handle and strive not to overextend myself.

Taking the first steps to getting involved, I've found, is much more than reading online columns and wearing the covers. I've heard the term, "Stand & Model (S&M)," for those who wear leather for the look. That's all fine and good, however, to go beyond that is to take on your own insecurities and barriers.

Fear and curiousity has motivated me to allow experiences to happen. The excitement of the unknown also plays a huge part. Since recovery started, I've been able to push myself beyond the narrow barriers I had set up for myself by joining up with the local leathercorps instead of just talking about it and corresponding with others in the community. Taking action has been a huge attribute I have gained from embracing the leather mindset. I have found I am more apt to take action rather than mull it over to the point of distraction.

Being firm but loving has also been a character trait I've picked up, if not refined. Being a leatherman is more than scowling and looking stoic. Within the community, there is a tough cameraderie forged from whatever pasts we've got trailed behind us. Finding my place among them has blessed me with such a sense of self-fulfillment. I doubt I would find it anywhere else. The community has allowed me to depart from the pool of homo-society I once inhabited when I was drinking and be taken in another place with welcome arms.

This past weekend, my Dude and I headed out to the City to hit the leather stores. It was inspiring and instilled in me a sense of pride and confidence I hadn't felt in a long time.

With the new leathers I've got now, I intend to ease into them and the community so that both are wholeheartedly a part of who I am. It's the beginning of a new journey and I also intend to break in the leathers along with the new year.