Serenity & Leather: Letting Out, Letting Go

There are times when the itch to gear up comes up and I find myself reading books pertaining to the Leather community as bedtime reading over a week's course. This has been one of those times.
Tonight, the local leathercorps will be holding the inauguration of their new board. I'll be attending as a member which, in a way, just blows my mind. Seriously, there were many, many times when I felt like I just didn't have the moxie to join up with something like this. But, here I am.

I'm often amused by the responses to my revelation as a member of the Leather community. More often than not, it's a smirk or a raised eyebrow. No one seems to have the idea to ask anything. It's not like I'm going to throw them into a sling or break out the paddle right then and there. First of all, a sling takes time to set up and is way too expensive for me at this time. Secondly, I haven't mastered paddling and, well, it just doesn't have the same effect as the hand. Thirdly, I'm not going to hide myself. After eight years and then some of keeping my closet door camouflaged, I've decided to just put it out there.

I remember sitting in my truck, in my Leathers at the Sac Rainbow Festival, questioning when/if I should get out. After about ten minutes of sitting there wondering if I had made some sort of error, I thought to myself, "Screw it, this is who I am and I'm gonna take it like a man. A Leatherman and just do it." Stepping out was scary but as I made my way to the entrance, I began to feel better with each bootfall.

Before that, I'd attended SF Pride in my Leathers. Feeling liberated in a place where many people didn't know me, I was pleased. The parade's small leather contingency, however, opened my eyes to the state of the community. In Leather Alley, the vibe was wholly vanilla, the curious crowded in droves as they stood around the demonstration area. White t-shirts and shorts ruled the landscape. Leatherfolk were merely there for atmosphere, it seemed. I volunteered for a whipping/flogging demo and never felt more relaxed. It was like a deep tissue massage, for my mind. I think I must've drifted through the rest of the day. The fact that the demo was being recorded by tourists was the last thing on my mind, as it should have been.

Tonight is really a debut of sorts as an official member of the corps. I'm a mite nervous and, well, excited. For one, I'll be wearing my new leathers and, for the other, my Dude will be with me.

After too long of keeping myself from me, this is a big step. Leather, to me, is more than fetish, it's complimented my path of recovery.

One of the things I've been learning is trust.

To turn oneself over to something or someone has been a huge thing. After years of suspicion, the walls are slowly coming down. The keyword being "slowly." Willingly passing control and learning to channel both body and mind into that process has allowed me to find a sense of serenity. Confidence in decisions and regard for consequence have stemmed from this process. I'm still learning because it takes a huge amount of energy to do so. At least, for me. For years, I'd repressed this side of me which, to my detriment, served to only shove me into an isolating abyss. Leather has taught me that desire is okay, that sinsuality is okay, that there is a balance. Accepting the Leatherman in me has been a much easier process.

Meditation, to me, comes in the form of expressing myself through my actions. And through that meditation comes strength. As a standard, I don't worship Leather so much as live it.

The hiding is done, it's time to shine in all my polished glory.

And, if you're curious, just ask.